House of Zathras

Zathras understand. .. No. Zathras not understand, but Zathras do. Zathras good at doings, not understandings.

Thursday, August 31, 2006

My Banana Spider Story

In the comments on this post, Tammi mentioned her almost encounter with a banana spider. I've decided to tell of my 'close' encounter of the arachnid kind. First off, just to set the tone, here is a banana spider. It's also known as a Golden Silk or Golden Orb spider, but you know us Southerners...gotta give it a local name. Besides, 'Golden Silk' sounds all nice and pretty. Makes you think of pretty oriental pajamas or maybe a sexy silk teddy. Pretty? Not really. Scary? Definitely! Now hold out your hand, palm up. That might be just enough room for it to sit on. Yep, that's about the size of the monsters. Anyway, my story begins shortly after Hurricane Ivan. *shudder* Excuse me for a minute...have to take a quick shot of whiskey to brace myself. *gulp...ahhhh* Our home was directly in Ivan's path. We lost about 10 or so trees on our property. Big trees. One of the trees was so big that it would take 3 people to grab hands and make a circle around the trunk. But, thank you God, none of the trees hit our house or outbuildings. We even had a tornado pass through our back yard. You could see the tops of some trees that had been shredded by the start of the tornado, then see the trees next to them that had the top half broken off, and then the point where the tornado hit the ground, and then veered and went between two houses, piling trees in its path like tinker toys. It went between two houses, but didn't hit any home directly. One tree fell against one house, scraping it. The aftermath was awful. Not as awful as the storm surge and flooding in Mississippi and Louisiana. I certainly do not want to denigrate or lessen those poor people's tragedy. But that doesn't lessen the shock and emotional impact of what we faced. In driving back in (we had left town for the storm), the damage seemed endless. (We were one of the first people to reach the Escambia Bay Bridge where the poor man lost his life driving his semi across the bridge during the storm. They hadn't blocked the road to it yet...you just saw pieces of bridge....shifted around or just missing.) You become numb to what you see, and you haven't even made it to your own home. You can't even cry after awhile. No matter what you see on tv, it does not match what you see firsthand. You are emotionally flattened. Your world is not the same. Ever. Even as your spirit stirs and steels itself to recover, there is a small child in your soul whimpering in fear. You always know death can hit you at any moment, but the reality of that fact doesn't often sink its teeth into you. You are helpless against the power of nature. Forget this global warming crap. Mother nature will win over man. Always. Hello??? Are y'all still there? Thanks for hanging in there...I don't often dwell on the storm...back to the spider story. When we returned after Ivan we found the yard was about a foot deep in tree trunks, leaves, branches, trash etc. We had to chainsaw our way into our driveway. We had no power, but had the supplies necessary to keep going for a few days (as anyone should who lives in hurricane country). The next day, we started cleaning. I was working in the backyard to get it clean for the dog, and =HC= was working around the front with the chainsaw. The back patio, where we feed the dog, had become infested with ants. I had to empty the dog's food because of the ants. I started walking towards what *used* to be the forest's edge, but was now an obstacle course of felled trees. I was watching the ground, not wanting to turn an ankle on debris or step on a displaced snake. Then it happened. Because I was watching the ground, I didn't notice the web. A masterpiece of artwork and strength that even SpiderMan would envy. Yes, I walked into it. It wrapped around my head. (At least I had on a hat.) For those of you who don't know, the banana spider's web feels like rope. Sticky, clinging rope. On my face and shoulders. Of course, I screamed. The banana spider's venom is poisonous...how poisonous, I don't know. I was flailing around, whapping my head and shoulders, hoping to fling the damn monster off. =HC= heard me scream. He started running for the back yard, fearing I had come across a snake. Well, I calmed down as I realized that I hadn't felt the humongous spider body as I had frantically wiped off my face and shoulders. I stopped screaming, and began brushing myself off. I bent forward slightly to brush off my thighs, as the web had been a good size. And then I saw it. A monster escaped from Hades. Hanging between my knees was....the spider. One strand of spider death-rope connected to my left knee. Another strand attached to my right knee. And dangling between my legs connected to both strands was the monster of all monsters. REALLY. BIG. SCREAM. =HC= heard my second scream while he was still coming to check out the first scream. But it had changed pitch, so he ran pell-mell, thinking that I had just been bitten by a snake. He dashes around the corner and sees me doing this weird dance, hopping back and forth on spread feet, trying to get away from the monster that is trying to crawl towards my crotch. Of course, he can't see the spider from where he is, but just thinks I'm trying to avoid being bitten again by a snake. Then he sees me grab a long stick and start twirling and twisting it in a circular motion between my still-spread legs. He thinks I've lost it. That the stress and heat have simply made me snap. And of course he laughs his butt off when I finally relate what happened. I should have kept the stick with the spider attached to it...I could have hit =HC= with it.

Monday, August 28, 2006

I may have killed the cat....

...but I'm not really sure. And if I did, I didn't mean to. But on Saturday night, Princess No and I went to WallyWorld (the Evil Empire of WalMart). When we went out to the SUV, BC (bitch cat), as usual, was sitting on top. She gets down as we get into the vehicle. Always. So Princess No and I get in the SUV and take off. We back down the drive, move onto the road, go around the curve, and prepare to speed up. As I do, I hear a weird noise. It could be just the weird noise that emanates from the steering column whenever you turn. Or it could be like the scrape of a cat's claws as it tries to car surf. "Did the cat get off the top of the vehicle???" I think. "It did, didn't it?" I stop the vehicle, and look in my rearview and sideview mirrors. No splattered cat on the road. I open up the moonroof and have Princess No get up and look to see if the cat is still up top. No BC. I go ahead to the store. When we get back, I look at the sides of the road. No BC. But we haven't seen her since then. And I did walk all around our property looking, and sniffing for bad odors. Nothing. She has been pissed since we brought my mother-in-law sent a kitten home with us. She refuses to be even in the same room as the 'baby', hissing and even fighting her. If BC is eating when the baby comes near, she'll hiss...with her mouth full...it's absolutely hilarious! But she is a bitch enough to disappear to make us regret even bringing that other cat home. She can hold a grudge. BC used to be my m-i-l's cat. But when m-i-l bought a new house, she was afraid BC wouldn't like the new place, so BC came to live with us. She disappeared for two days after that. And then BC would not go near my m-i-l for months afterwards. Come to think of it, my m-i-l has given us the dog AND the fish, too, dammit. I didn't want any pets. I have four kids and a husband...who needs pets when you have that? So come to think of it, it's not my fault. It's Mama Bear's fault. The cat would have been fine at her place. And the cat would car surf at her old home. I didn't teach her that. Not my fault. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Sunday Funnies

Sorry for the funnies being so late. =HC= and I tried to get a picture of a sign we had seen a couple of days ago. But as we went by there about an hour ago, the sign had been changed. :( But I'll go ahead and tell you what is said. It was on the marquee outside of a veternarian's clinic:

Neuter your dog - get a free ball.
I kid you not! And why only one? Did another dog get his unfair share? Or did the cat take it? And that cat is so mean with what it does to that poor dog's ball...as if the neutering weren't torment enough!!

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

The State of Education Today....

...at least in Mrs_Who's class: From Arts and Crafts time:

Shouted across the room: "Mrs. Who, look at what I made! A cocktail!"
And yes, the student had created a construction paper martini glass, complete with an olive in it. Also from Arts and Crafts Time:
"Look what I made for you Mrs. Who!"
I look at this rectangular shaped paper with an elongated dome shape along the top. "Oh, what have you made?" I ask in an encouraging voice.
"A coffin!"
During Reading time: We were getting ready to do a lesson on comparing two characters from a story using a Venn Diagram. For those of you who have been out of school a while, a Venn Diagram looks like this: I had just drawn the circles on the board, and before I could even turn around, the students began calling out what they thought it was. The two most memorable comments:
"It's a MasterCard commercial!" "No, it's not. It's boobs!!"
Yes, it will an interesting year in Mrs. Who's class. And I can't prove it yet, but I just know that the kid who uttered that last comment is a relative of BlogGranddaddy Harvey. I. Just. Know. It.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

The Cost of Stress Relief

An unexpected meeting after a long, tough day at school - 1 headache Spontaneous detour to wade in the bay on the way home - $4 in gas The look on Eraserhead's face at seeing his mother with her dress pulled up to her knees while she laughs and enjoys the water - Priceless!!!!!

Sunday, August 20, 2006

No Sunday Funnies today...

Well, not the usual joke and video, anyway. Had a good joke, but couldn't find a good video to go with it. I'll keep looking for next Sunday's post. But I did have something funny happen this weekend. I have an occasional part-time job doing data-entry for a local art store. Easy work, flexible hours, and I get a little spending money for myself (or as it seems lately, extra money for gas!!!) The pay is okay, especially for how easy the job is. Well, I was there this weekend, and the bossman was waxing eloquent about a series of paintings that he loves. (They're about the voyage of life...here's a write-up behind the meaning of the pictures, and here's the pictures themselves: birth/childhood,   youth,   manhood,   old age). Bossman is going on and on about the pictures, talking about the great feeling he gets from them. In the middle of his speech, I interrupt and say, "So when do I get my raise?" He looks befuddled, like he didn't understand what I said. So I repeat, "When do I get my raise?" Meanwhile, a fellow employee is looking at me as if I've lost my mind. The bossman is talking about the beauty of a painting, and here I am asking for a raise! I say, "Don't you know the best time to ask for a raise is when the boss is in a good mood?" And then I laugh, because I'm just joking around. The boss is as tightfisted as they come, even complaining when a sale has to be re-rung because it costs .25 for the receipt to be re-printed!! Well, the bossman is still looking befuddled, and he walks off muttering, "Well, yeah, we really do appreciate your work. You really are a good employee. You've done everything faster than we could have hoped for...." I'm still laughing, but the other employee is now staring at me, open-mouthed, like she can't believe I might be getting a raise. I shrug my shoulders and say, "I'll believe it when I see it," and I return to my work. BUT...as I go to get my check, the bossman tells me again how much he appreciates what I've done, and offers me a 25% raise!!! Woo hoo, Mrs_Who! Way to go! If only I had learned a long time ago that kidding around is what gets you money. That's not the way my Momma said it would work. And if the schoolboard would also see fit to give me a 25% raise...well, uh, never mind. If you've ever seen a schoolboard meeting, nothing funny to be found there!

Friday, August 18, 2006

Finding Peace

I love where I live.I live in a rural area. I am surrounded by forests....
...and farms. In my area, we have several kinds of farms. We have corn: (Silver King and Silver Queen corn is absolutely the best-tasting corn you can ever have!!) The picture to the right is a cotton farm...where we get 'southern snow'. When the cotton is in bloom, it looks like a field covered in snow. Since I don't like living in real snow (been there, done that, didn't want the t-shirt), this is the only kind of 'snow' I like. We also have turf farms: Can you imagine 100 or so years ago a farmer saying he wanted to farm grass???? People would have thought he was 'tetched' in the head. Today it is a big business. As I drive to work each day, I go over several waterways. I cross several creeks (I truly understand the meaning of the expression 'the good Lord willing and the creek don't rise'...it makes me glad I have an SUV on the rainy days!). My favorite part is watching the sunrise over Perdido Bay. This is something I get to see almost every day that I go to work. I can be so stressed, but coming around the curve and seeing scenes like these below, just calms me down. I'm always mentally whispering, "Yay, God!!" Sometimes I can even see dolphins jumping throught the shimmering reflection of the sun's rays...I yearn to kayak right then and there. =HC= and I sometimes go kayaking, but nowhere near the amount we want/should. I have a co-worker who came to my home one day to see my house. She has about a 10 minute drive home through the town where we work, while I have a 35-40 minute drive into the next state. She later told me how she could just feel the tension leaving her body as she passed the scenery. You see, these scenes are what I am blessed to see every day. I have an important reason for posting this tonight. It's personal, and I really can't go into a lot of details. I need to remind myself that I do have so many blessings in my life. There are so many trevails facing my family right now. Beyond the ordinary, raising kids, worrying about the cost of gas/food/housing. You know the saying, 'There is somebody worse off than you'? Well, we feel like that somebody in many respects. We have serious illnesses in our family, emotional trauma caused by some really disturbed people, and legal trevails. Including my being personally sued for $1,000,000.00 this summer. Yeah, you read that number right. We are not rich people. (I'm just a teacher, after all.) It is kind of fun to walk around asking people if I look like a million bucks. And the suit should be dropped because it is so frivolous. But...it adds to the stress. Yet I have to remember...I have people in my life whom I love and who love me. We laugh with each other. But when the stress is so constant, so ever-present, and seemingly never-ending, and there are people who delight in taking advantage of those problems to willingly add more....how do I cope? Whom do you turn to when your closest friend/lover is just as affected by it all as you? I thank God I don't live in NYC or some huge metro area...I can understand how the suicide percentage rate is so high in those places. When all you see is a dirty and unfriendly city...there's no getting away from problems. At least when I walk out my back door, I see my own backyard. Beyond that is some lush forest with myriad shades of green. I can hear the mourning doves, the mockingbirds, and a huge pileated woodpecker (they sound like they're hammering on the trees, instead of just pecking. For a long time, we thought someone was building something in the middle of the forest, but it was just that woodpecker.) I can see tree frogs, snakes, rabbits, and beautiful but scary-looking banana spiders (golden orb spiders). I have the morning glories that I rescued from my grandmother's old property before it was completely bulldozed over. I could be going through all this stress in an area that has none of these beautiful scenes. I have to hold on to beauty where I can find it. 'Cause some of the people that are affecting my life are throwing ugly at me as fast as they can. I must immerse myself in the beauty, drink from its waters, and know that that beauty will be there. Sooner or later, those people will get tired of throwing the ugly. It gets real heavy. Soon enough, their 'ugly' will be too heavy to throw, and it will stay with them. Maybe, just maybe, I can be at a point to throw some beauty at them. But for now, it's mine.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

PSA from Mrs_Who

testing...testing...testing 1 2 3...is this mike on? *clears throat* Thank you all for coming today. If you have teenagers, you will want to hear about this. Imagine this scenario. Your teen is hanging with his friends at school. They tell him about a cool site that can help them all get in contact easier with each other (in my day, we called it a phone). Anyway, your teen wants to be 'cool', so he goes home and signs up so he can be linked with all his friends and their friends. No, it's not MySpace. (I have serious, serious concerns about MySpace, but for personal reasons, I will not go into it here. Just know that MySpace makes young people vulnerable, and they have no clue about how vulnerable and why. After all, they're ten feet tall and bullet-proof.) The site I'm talking about is "The Names Database". No, I'm not going to link to it. Don't you go to it, either. To get onto the database, you have to submit your e-mail address. And then the site tells you to share it with others, and you have to submit several other e-mail addresses of your friends, so they can get cool, too. You CANNOT skip this option. You CANNOT enter bogus e-mails. (I tried. I wound up putting in the e-mail addresses of local newsreporters.) Then you HAVE to enter in your hometown and school. You CANNOT skip this page. Then it gets to the page that says you're accepted. For only $1.00 a month, you can have access to the entire database. Or, if you submit 18 or so total e-mails, you can have it for FREE. And of course, free sounds great to a teen. And you've already entered six, so you only need to enter 12 or so more!!! You can get in contact with all your friends and maybe some new ones for FREE!!!! And there is no way to delete your information. I looked and looked. I imagine thousands and thousands of teens giving out all this info on the internet and I get chill bumps. Aside from the fact that now their future financial situation is shaky due to possible identity theft, there are thousands and thousands of people who have information on young people. (It can also be used to cull parents' info I would imagine.) We're talking predators who prowl these sites. Hell, it was probably a predator who set this up...(although it seems to be connected with classmatesdotcom, so who knows!) If nothing else, it's something perverts will use to fulfill their sick, twisted, black, soulless obsessions. I tell you, raising teenagers is so very trying!! =HC= and I are very frank with our kids about the dangers out there. I literally cry sometimes with the worry. Kids don't seem to really understand the dangers out there. Poor Goob had to listen to me going off (and believe me, a rabid pitbull in skirts doesn't even come close to what I can be like!) But other than being frustrated with his lack of common sense, I was more upset about teens being preyed upon. At the very least, that site is a SPAM breeding ground. How do we get through to our teenagers? I truly believe that they face the hardest challenges EVER. =HC= and I do moniter internet usage, (NO computers in the bedrooms!!), and we don't have cable or satellite, but you literally can't protect them from everything. If you control every single choice they can make, you are just asking for heartache. Do y'all feel overwhelmed by what teens have to face? Everyday it seems like something new, something awful, that is threatening parents in raising their children safely. It's breaking my heart. Our kids have gone through some very tough times. Am I supposed to tell them it doesn't get any better? To quote the late, great Acidman, "Just damn."

Monday, August 14, 2006

A question about PT Cruisers

A couple of years back I was in an accident (not my fault!). We had to have a rental car while we were waiting on the car. The gave us a PT Cruiser (this for a family of six!!) I was too nervous driving around that tiny car...I felt so vulnerable. There was nothing to that car. I could reach over and lock the passenger side door...and with as short as I am, that tells you something about the size of the vehicle. =HC= graciously offered to drive it in the interim, and I drove his truck (I love that man!!!). And since =HC= is almost a foot taller than me, watching him get into that vehicle was kind of amazing! (I really, really love that man!) Anyway, I don't see how anyone can feel safe in that tiny car. And I've noticed something else about PT Cruisers and their owners....they're all of a like political leaning - Democrats. (Nothing against Democrats. I was a Democrat until Clinton was re-elected. Many members of my family are Democrats.) Maybe it's just something in my area. But I'm just interested to know: do you or anybody you know drive a PT Cruiser? If so, what are their political leanings? Update: Watch this crash test video of the PT Cruiser. Most of these are done at 35 mph. Watch how the PT Cruiser flies up in the air and slings around. The front of the car is flattened almost to the windshield. Unh,unh, not me, no way. I understand about gas prices, but isn't your family's safety more important? Speaking of the cost of gas, =HC= and I are getting a bumper sticker for the back of our Suburban:

It just cost me $12 to pass you!

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Sunday Funnies

What men won't do to each other just to get a laugh: A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. He grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. Another drunk guy sitting next to him can't believe what he has just seen. He's more surprised when the guy suddenly reappears on the window ledge. The astonished guy asks, "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out that window and suddenly you came back! How is that possible?" The jumper responds, "Well, the winds between these skyscrapers become highly focused as they channel between the buildings, and up here they become strong enough to hold you up. You can't fall. Watch." He runs to the window and leaps out. The other guy dashes to the window and watches as the guy floats back up and comes in the window. "Go ahead, try it," says the jumper. The drunk runs and jumps out the window. He falls all the way to the sidewalk. The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him, "You're really an a*shole when you're drunk, Superman." And as another example of how guys treat each other, here's this video. The ending cracked me up!

Friday, August 11, 2006

Never forget...

In one month, it will be the 5th anniversary of 9-11. If you are a blogger, please check out the link on my sidebar for the 2,996 Tribute. In light of recent events, it makes for an even more poignant reminder for us all.

Jelly Belly Hell, part 2

I won't be able to match =HC='s eloquence as mentioned here, but I also had a hellacious experience with Jelly Belly hell. It all started when I was taking my daughter and her friend to the movies. On the way there, we stopped to pick up some snacks. (Yes, I know it's not right to take outside food and drink in, but I can't afford the enormous costs of tickets AND movie snacks. Four bucks for a coke???? And no free refill either. Just to walk in the door with my family of six is a minimum of $30 at the matinee price. It's also one of the reasons I love Netflix so much. So it's either I bring my own snacks, or they don't get any of my business at all.) At the store, I see this small bag of Jelly Belly jelly beans (a picture of the bag should be inserted here, except I can't get blogger to upload pictures tonight). It is a small bag of sugar-free jelly beans. Cool. I love Jelly Belly candies! I turn the bag over at look at the nutrition facts. Two servings in the bag, but only 80 calories per serving. So even if I eat the whole bag (hey, it's not that big of a bag), it would only be 160 calories. Which is about the same as in a coke, but if I get a bottle of flavored water, that's pretty good for a movie snack. So off we go to the movie. Princess No and her friend go to see one movie, and I go to see Pirates of the Caribbean 2. (I had seen it once before, but the plot seemed really weird and jumped around, so I was hoping to make more sense of it.) I told the girls to come in my theater when their movie is over, and we'll finish Pirates together. The previews start, and I open my Jelly Belly bag. I chuckle to myself as I start munching on them, because it makes me think of =HC='s JellyBelly experience. Big Mistake. Laughing at a priest's discomfort. I guess I deserved what happened next. Halfway through the movie, I start having severe intestinal cramps. I have no idea what caused them, but I made it to the bathroom in time. (Not a pleasant experience in a public restroom, but thank God that toilet was there!!) I start to feel better. I go back to the movie, and the cramps start again. I repeat the bathroom trek again. And again. And again. The girls finally show up, and I hustle them home. I'm driving in agony, eyeing the roadside trees as possible emergency bathrooms. I get home and spend the rest of the night in the bathroom, wishing for intravenous PeptoBismal. Finally, the cramps stop, and I collapse in bed, exhausted. The next morning (still feeling a little weak), I dig out the JellyBelly bag from the bottom of my purse. There, on the back of the bag, outlined in a little red box, is this warning:

WARNING: CONSUMPTION MAY CAUSE STOMACH DISCOMFORT AND/OR LAXATIVE EFFECT. INDIVIDUAL TOLERANCE WILL VARY; WE SUGGEST STARTING WITH 8 BEANS OR LESS.
8 BEANS????? 8??????? Get real! 8 beans wouldn't satisfy a chihuahua!! And what's this 'stomach discomfort' and 'laxative effect'? Stomach discomfort is what happens when you eat too much at Thanksgiving. A laxative effect is what you want when you haven't had a BM in three days. I felt as if I had 12 'Alien' critters trying to hatch in my innards, all fighting each other to force their way out!!! On the other hand, they are a diet aid, because anything you ate for the past three days, and 1/2 of the next, would fly out of your body at near light-speed velocity. Damn you, JellyBelly. I still don't know exactly what happened in POTC2.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Back to school!

Whew! It has been a whirlwind week. BUT...it does look like I will have a sweet class, even though the boys outnumber the girls two to one. I'm really tough on discipline the first couple of weeks. It's a one-two-three strikes, you're in time out, no extra chances, no reminders, no sweet talk. Well one little boy got to his 'third strike', even though I just thought it was his 'second'. He went to time out without my telling him. To be honest, I didn't see him go. The time out corner in my room is literally in the back corner, behind my desk, where no one can see you acting up. I was at the front of the room, trying to get the tons of paperwork in order that had to go home with the students that day. Out of the corner of my eye, behind the edge of my big desk, I see a little head popping up. It was that little boy...apparently he was too worried to ask if could pull the stool out to sit at the time out desk, and was crouched down, wobbling over now and then! I quickly called for him to come out, and I praised him for being responsible in going to time out without having to be told. The little boy that sat next to him, wanting praise for himself, said loudly and proudly, "I'm the one who told him he needed to go to time out!".....there's one in every class, lol! We really stress the rules the first week, too. We implement the "Three B's": Be Respectful, Be Responsible, Be Safe. Well, apparently I really emphasized the 'be safe' rule. Another boy had his hand raised, but had his head hanging down. I went over and crouched beside his desk, asking what the matter was. In this sorrowful, pitiful voice, he said, "I broke a safety rule. I was leaning back in my chair, and I started to fall, and when I held on to my desk, *breathless, rushing tremulous tone* I-broke-my-pencil-and-now-I-can't-do-my-work!" *big, body-shaking sigh* Poor baby! I comforted him, telling him he learned a lesson, and that it wasn't a bone broken, just a pencil, and we can get him a new one. Am I being too tough??? *thinks for a moment* Nah! All in all, it has been a pretty good week. The parents of my students seem to be involved (Yay!), so that will make for a successful year for all of us. So, those of you who have school kids, how has your year started?

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Just a thought....

Do the jihadists still get 72 virgins if they're killed by a Jewish woman?

Sunday Funnies

Weight Loss Plan (warning: Mild Adult Humor) Did you hear about the guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, South Beach etc. and none worked. He was reading the paper one day when he noticed a small ad that read, "Lose weight $1.00 a pound." And it simply listed a telephone number. Having tried everything else, the man decided to call the number. A voice on the other end asked, "how much weight do you want to lose?" To which the man responded, "Ten pounds." The voice replied, "Very well, send us a check and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning." About 9:00 A.M. the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me you can screw me". Well the overweight fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally he did catch her and when he was through enjoying himself, she said, "Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself!" He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce! That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?" To which the somewhat less overweight man replied, "Twenty pounds". "Very well", the voice on the phone told him, "Put your check in the mail and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning." At about 8:00 A.M. the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me you can screw me". The chase took awhile longer this time but the man finally did catch her. When he was through she told him, "Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself!" He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds! "This is fantastic!" He thought to himself. Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?" "Fifty pounds!" The man exclaimed. "Fifty pounds?" The voice asked. "That's an awful lot of weight to lose at one time." The overweight man replied, "My check's already in the mail. You just have your representative over here in the morning." Then he hung up the phone. About 6:00 A.M. the next morning the man gets out of bed and gets all fancied up, ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 A.M. he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating, "If I catch you I'm going to screw you." And my experience with exercise pretty much looks like this and this. And while I've never gone hang-gliding, it would most likely look like this.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

One last, little prayer...

I know, I know. I know I said blogging would be light (soon to be non-existant) because of August. And I will be posting very little after this (I keep trying to get HC to post more, but his job has gotten busy, too). But I came across the prayer below, and it's probably what will get me through August *spit*: Let me change what I can. Let me accept that which I cannot change. Let me ignore that which I cannot change or accept. Let me run away from that which I cannot change, accept, or ignore. Let me lock myself in the bathroom, hold my hands over my ears, and hum about that which I cannot change, accept, ignore, or run away from. Let me.... (Feel free to add any ideas/verses that could help me survive this month.)

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

I. Hate. August.

Read the list of things that happen in August to see why:

  • Four kids to get ready for school, including buying new uniforms, shoes, supplies, etc.
  • My classroom to get ready, lesson plans to prepare, including buying supplies, etc.
  • My mother's birthday.
  • My son's birthday.
  • My daughter's birthday.
  • My nephew's birthday.
  • My stepfather's birthday.
  • License plate renewel fees due...for two cars.
  • I haven't received a paycheck since the middle of June, and won't get one until the end of August.
  • Somewhere in a previous life, I lived in Brazil and pissed off the god Eshu. Brazilians apparently view August as a bad-luck month, with much of the mishchief caused by Eshu. Oh, and we're implementing a new program at school, with additional weekly meetings, so blogging will probably be light. Blame Eshu. It's his fault. Excuse me now. I'm going to burn incense, chant, and maybe dance around nekkid...anything to lift the curse of August.